~Knight-of-Sorrow

For those that have read my previous journal, you will know that ~CursedDreams and myself recently gave birth to a baby. Now she has a name, Elleyah Mae Shotton. She's very healthy, with the exception of jaundice and some minor problems with her feeding. ~CursedDreams and herself are still both in hospital, and will be there for a few more days until little Elly gains some more weight.

That's right, ladies and gentlemen... as of 4th January 2007, at 5.27pm, my darling fiancee, ~CursedDreams and I are now the proud parents of yet another daughter (bringing it to now 2 little girls running around the house soon).

The baby is a bit small, as it was affected by IUGR (Interuterine Growth Retardation), due to genetics, which basically means ~CursedDreams' family have a history of giving birth to small sized babies. Other than the small size (being 2325 grams or approx 4 pounds 14 ounces... I think that's the right conversion), she seems to be in good health.

I will post more info later...

Hopefully...

If I remember...


If not, and you wish to know more, harass either myself or ~CursedDreams, but it is probably easier to contact me, as she's still in hospital with our little bub.

That's right... my "brand spanking new" laptop that I bought about 18 months ago in Singapore isn't actually of Singaporean origins. Hell, it isn't even Japanese, Chinese or American origins... but Russian. How do I know this???

Because when I turned it on the other day, it went komputski. That's right, komputski. No ohio, no hello, no guten tag... no "haha you're loading Windows"... just a faint whirr, a simple komputski and a black screen. Well... mebbe a "hahaha you're loading Windows, komrade" appeared before it went komputski...

But yeah... all of my stories, poems, images, uni notes, uni assignments, office files, photos, stuff I was planning for my wedding... all of it gone

So yeah, I now have an over sized paperweight until I can get it fixed, or at least my data recovered, which I'm not sure if it is possible, thanks to the little message about memory dumping error... and then something about kernel errors and failure from trying to boot from an imaginery network server

Why?

Why do things happen?

Why are things the way they are?

Why are we the way we are?

Why?


I don't know... nor can no one else really know. We just are and things just happen.

If a baby is born and the mother dies in childbirth, why does the father's life become bitter sweet. He has a new love, but as well as lost one. There is no justice in that, just a bitter irony.

Why did it happen? Because he was a bad husband and would be a bad future husband? But is one man's fate so bad that it condemns a woman to death and a child to be motherless? Or was it the wife that committed the sin, which in turn makes her husband a tragic figure in the wake of her death?

Regardless, there is no justice. Just a sad tragedy that happened. No one is at fault, no one was to blame. But having a scapegoat is easier... having someone to blame, makes things better.

So is that why we fight with the ones we love? For no perfect relationship can truly exist without at least one fight, arguement or disagreement. For as much as two people can become one, they are still two beings with two seperate minds. And two minds, two opinions are always going to clash and conflict at one time or another.

Something that I knew, but only now realise the implications and understand is the concept of give and take with a relationship. A relationship doesn't just that happen, nor does it just exist. To say that it has to be built and maintained makes it sound like a chore and a job, which it isn't. Even the simplest acts of tenderness, kindness and love can make it prosper and remain strong. To be alive and in love is the greatest thing I've experienced, and the one I'm with, the amazingly strong Yarazenka, has made me feel that way.

Despite my flaws, my sins and the future ones I've might have made, she saw the best in me and I wanted to become the best that I can for her... and I still do. I know I have changed, but a part of me feels that I haven't changed enough for her... that I can still be better for her, and if not for her, but maybe make up for my past mistakes. Despite the fact she may think that I don't need to change, that she loves me the way I am, the truth is that when we are with the right person, we do change... and hopefully for the better.

I really don't know what I'm saying, nor why I wrote this, but I did. I guess a part of me is saying is that love isn't crap, pointless or stupid. It makes us feel better than we could ever imagine and makes us better than we were. Maybe those who don't believe in love or think it is stupid, especially those under 20, are just too afraid to make a commitment, for when we truly love another, we expose our entire being to them. Our weakness, our flaws, our sins. Sometimes our partner will know us better than we know ourselves. As scary as being "weak" and exposed may sound to many, the comfort one finds in the arms of our loved one because of flaws and weaknesses, feels so much warmer than the bitter cold loneliness ever could.

Though that said, never take the one you love for granted. Hell, don't take love for granted. As much as they are there for your support, you're there for their's. Even at our busiest and most stressed moment of our life, we should know how to relax and take comfort in the arms of our loved one. Running around like a headless chicken that was high on drugs and more stressed than an accountant in tax time, doesn't help a relationship. For as stressed and busy we may be, our loved one will probably be worrying about our own well being far greater than we could ever imagine.



Why are we the way we were? Because we're the sum of our life experiences.

Why? Just because...